...all night and my eyes are grateful for the swollen release. Tears are welcome. The quiet was hard enough without the padding of her.
So the night passed in a huff of sobs and snot and sorrow
My ex writes me exquisite portraits of our love
and I am crying in a hotel in rainy Miami
Heading to a conference of women and voices and such
Martha Stewart
maybe headed to jail
maybe not
money can buy some things
sometimes
My back aches from the dry heaves
the way
the body responds
to not being held
crazy
this woman must be crazy
to bleed like this
life fluid
rationed as it is wont to be
when I am not inclined to eat much
I should save the water in my body
let the rain
weep for me
and the you I made out of paper
nothing of us mattered
everything
meant everything
to me
the small moments loom grotesque in memory
I am reluctant to recover from crying
feeling has been so far away
lately
I have to cut myself open
to feel the hum of life
my gratitude
to your constant ripping
maybe that is why
I am obsessed
compulsive
why calling you at night
seems sane
when the bars deconstruct
invisible between hope
and reality
moving in swift like a tropical temper
lightning release
cracking the sky
and I am falling from it
chicken
little brown girl
quick turning into woman
seasons don't make sense
in Florida
or Jamaica
the weather is constant there
thank God
I have to depend on something
but belief is an ugly way to plate oneself
with self delusion
red necklace
for my fire the girl said
and I fell asleep
fitful in the flame
the beads imprinted on my heart's skin
I live inside
a dream I created for me
from nothing I conjured up
a girl
extra-ordinary
some say
and the untruth mocks me at night
mostly at night
my flaws paint themselves
blatant
over what I have heard people say
what they do not know
haunts me
gives my lovers
weapons to hurl
during the dark arguments
Therapy is not a luxury
Love is a way
to cut open the hard knots of your emotional tumors
so you
can live
here I am
living
the large wound leaking
painful and viscous from the ailing pen
Till the next feral feeding,
Staceyann
i don't know if you ever read these or if the emotions carries over when you do, but maybe when you do you could explain what it is I feel when i read what you write. in the background i hear my friend complaining of our disfunctional "family" and i wonder where did all these terminologies come from. fighting to get out of a closet, into a box, and then out of it. i wish there was some wisdom that would kick the disbelief out of me when i hear the hoplessness in my friends voices, when they tell me, "things won't ever change", i disagree. i just got signed with universal usa and making my album in milan. i'm estactic. but i worry. that too much will kill and too little will go unnoticed. i apologize if this is long. but between you, doria, ani d., meshell and the list goes on forever it seems (as if i know you guys on a first name basis, but i feel i do) but the inspiration you've given me is unthankable. i just really hope from the album i can work with people walking in the same movement. i don't know. i guess maybe i cry...inside. quietly. releasing in song. if anything thank you for your fire. i'll do my best.
Posted by: ark at November 8, 2003 02:32 PMHello there, Ark,
Congratulations on your movement toward finding the parts of you that matter.
I am flattered, grateful that you took the time to spill what you feel in my cyber-room. I am geting through the days- just barely some days- but I have not quit yet. Still going- comforted to know that I am not alone.
be safe in your walk, little one,
Staceyann
es tan corto el amor y tan largo el olvido. I am never giving my heart again except to my cat, Mischka. seriously.
Posted by: thea at November 9, 2003 06:34 PMHey stacey ann,
sorry to hear about all that. when u come to SU, hopefully u'll b in much better states. we're excited to see you come. it's gonna be hotness ...
seems like hearts are aching these days. yours. mine. i couldnt stop crying today. hysteria.....that wouldnt let up and i went in to get make-up work for science and conducted a lab while crying so hard...my science teacher was mighty confused. i wanted to be held like nothing you believe...NO! like everything you believe....people these days needing someone to "lick their eyelids sleeping"------well i wish for you that someone......
namaste
-bekah