and that
is the working title
of the show I am pressing
knife-like from this womb
by a desk not mine in Jamaica
Hughenden
is the name of the place
lost the last journal entry
just like that
and if I was thrashing before
now I am angry
too at myself
one should make the decision to save
the things one does not want
to lose if something goes wrong
your friendship
your smile tugging at my aching arms now
last night was a blade
serrated
and beating hard against
the softest parts of me
how I want to be more than this unending
battle with my knuckles
my wrists
and these words
I write
and re write
and write again
pull parts of me out
and offer them
selfish for others to view
fish in a bowl
that is me
animal without a visible cage
will run wild
kill the self and smear its own carcass
on a boat
to mark territory
on waves
seas of blue
I am always blue
aqua
electric
sky the blues pull at my flesh at night
the days chart me exhausted
and human
how it hurts to be human
wish I could marry a tree
make tree babies of this twine I am spinning
spidering out of context
last night was harder on me than I said
but why should I say
what has no words
no subject neat
like the phrases parlayed into sentences
the verbs we conjugate
en Francais
Deutch
and my niece is cold in Munchen today
my brother burning with a fever
dropped
almost two degrees
below
critical
my back is curved with the effort of knowing
what to say when I am looking in a mirror
dark the room closes
amniotic
round my frenzy
did I answer all the relevant
emails
questions
queries about love and life and what I could handle
if necessary
I am nothing but a fool
most days I ache to be more than this fool crossing
borders and trying
to redefine
what no one sees when they are awake
sleep is a monster
and I cannot let it get me
hide
hide
under what you can say and how to say it without
breaking anybody but me
I know me
how to put me back
together again
and all this writing the old way tires me
exhausted already
blue
and sky
and electric the need for a small moment
when I am just me
and what I desire
when no one is looking
writing
rewriting
I know the drill
soon I will have to draft the whole intent
swallow it
bruised and jagged on what cracks itself
as edge
in my world
Til we have need to talk again,
Staceyann